SHE NEEDS MY HEART AND SOUL (EVEN IF I HAVE TO STRUGGLE TO LEARN TO GIVE IT CONSISTENTLY)
An excerpt from a discussion in the Relationship Renaissance Community Forum
As any of you who follow the messages here closely know, there were a number of schedule conflicts for the “Hangout with Mistress Alisa” last Saturday night, resulting in it being just her and me. She conducted the event and generously turned it into a 1-on-1 discussion with me, in which she worked with me to help identify things that might be holding me back from achieving the relationship with my wife for which I strive.
I have taken a few days to really think about and process my conversation with her as well as my feelings about it before coming here to write about it.
I expect that @Mistress Alisa would write up the task of identifying my main shortcoming as a “walk in the park” for her :). I know that I am not generally an emotional man. The environment of my early life wasn’t very conducive to men showing emotion, but I won’t use that as an excuse…I take full responsibility for my behavior. Honestly, it is not that I am not emotional, it is that I hide and protect those emotions from others (sometimes even those that I trust), for fear of being hurt.
Further, I am not completely oblivious. I am aware that I have not always been as emotionally available to my wife as she deserves and needs. I’ve felt it at times throughout our relationship, and I have failed to correct myself. In the end, this is likely the main reason that we have lost our spark, that the magic seems to have dwindled, and that there are times that we feel more like roommates than lovers.
Now don’t get me wrong, our relationship has improved vastly in the past 3-4 years since I began to embrace my submission to her. The additional acts of kindness, the abundant acts of service, putting her needs and wants above mine, surrendering to her decisions in times of disagreement…she appreciates them all, and our relationship has benefited greatly, but I have been missing one of the main points. While we are much better cohabitants, we are much better spouses, and we are much better friends, as lovers, our improvement has fallen well short of the rest. The reason for that is because I have still not overcome my hesitation to fully open myself to her emotionally, on a consistent basis, without fear of vulnerability.
Let me now say how much I appreciate @Mistress Alisa for taking the time to walk through this with me and “put it in my face”. It was pretty insensitive of me to have not started working to improve myself with regard to this issue already and pretty obtuse of me not to have linked it so soundly to the dwindling of our relationship fire. I am happy that recent events have lead me to the place that I am now: focused on confronting my deficiency and beginning the process of improving myself.
I would also like to share my plan for dealing with this. First, I am going to talk to my wife about it…a reasonably brief address…1-2 minutes, one morning this week, in which I will acknowledge my emotional shortcomings, apologize for them, tell her that nothing matters more to me than reestablishing that connection with her and that I want us to be as close and connected as we ever were. I want to consistently be there for her emotionally like I was in the past and like she deserves.
Second, well, it’s time to “man up” in the area that I have been neglecting. It is time for me to do the hard work of fighting to overcome my natural instinct to avoid putting my emotions out there for her when things get scary. I need to recognize that moment when I start to instinctively withdraw and shut down and recognize that I can trust her with anything and that sharing with her in this way is the best thing I can to do strengthen our emotional bond.
I know that I can do this. I know that I can improve this part of myself in my relationship with my wife. I know that it will be challenging for me, that I will have to come WAY out of my comfort zone, make myself vulnerable in ways that I often try to avoid. My goal is to achieve that level of emotional connectedness that she and I felt when we first met, when we were first dating, when we got married.
I am going to remain focused on that goal, on what that will look like when I am successful, and use that to help me persevere when I want to shut down and hide inside rather than remaining fully open and sharing my emotions, my love, my fears, and my weaknesses with her.
I’ll be honest…hesitancy to show others (who I trust) my weakness, my failures, and have those on display is certainly a part of my emotionally protective behavior over the years. So this post is really my first step, me being vulnerable in this group, putting on display my failures and being open with you.
Thanks again, @Mistress Alisa, for working through this with me and putting me on a new path.
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Article submission by: SubHub, goodboy-in-training
Response from Mistress Alisa
SubHub, you have really blown me away with this post. Great job, sweetheart!
I read your message with two sets of eyes: 1) My Domme eyes, and 2) My Woman eyes. Your message passed the test in both situations. Seeing your heart, seeing you express yourself so openly and thoroughly, seeing that lovely vulnerability – that’s what it’s all about. So much grace will be given to you when your wife sees you in this state on a consistent basis. Keep up the fantastic work, goodboy.
I couldn’t be more pleased with you right now! 👠
