BREAKING THE CYCLE (A HUSBAND’S JOURNEY)

An excerpt from a discussion in the Relationship Renaissance Community Forum

Breaking the Cycle: A Husband’s Journey My Wife and I were in a bad place, distant—miles apart emotionally. What once was the happiest time of my life now seemed like a distant memory, a dream I could never return to. I had no idea how it had happened, but I watched it unfold in slow motion. I felt the warmth and passion that once ignited between us slowly extinguish, becoming dark and cold.

Was it our new roles as parents, the stresses of our new life? Or were we simply growing apart? These thoughts crossed my mind, but i didn’t believe either. We had faced several challenges together, each bringing us closer. And I don’t believe that people suddenly ‘grow apart.’ That saying irritates me. Relationships aren’t something that just happen; they are a culmination of the choices we make. And I knew I had been making poor ones.

Despite the growing tension between us, I continued performing my duties as a husband and father. But I was angry. I felt rejected, unappreciated, unseen—as if nothing I did was enough. Everything I did became filled with a pessimistic energy, and our daily interactions feeding into a negative cycle.

But I don’t want to delve into those times; I feel myself wanting to justify my actions, explain away my poor behavior, and excuse the negativity. Instead, I want to focus on what broke that cycle.

Almost two years ago, I began talk therapy to try and repair the damage—not just for me, but for my Wife and our baby. I talked, explained, vented, and searched for answers. I felt my therapist didn’t fully understand the FLR dynamic that my Wife and I shared. But she asked me why my Wife was so upset with me. I rattled off a few surface-level issues, but she stopped me. She explained to me that what my Wife experiencing sounded like a deep resentment, and I needed to find a substantive answer for that. It was painful to admit, but I knew that she was right. Though I still clung to an iota of vanity that would prevent me from seeing clearly.

So, I asked my Wife why She resented me. It was difficult to get an answer at first—I had to dig for it. Her response was eye-opening. She admitted that She felt pressured by me and had expectations placed on Her, which disappointed me. Then She brought up the fact that I had hidden my kink from Her many years ago. It had been a source of shame for me and I had been dishonest with Her for years.

That’s when I knew exactly where I had messed up; my deepest insecurity, the part of me I kept hidden from the world, had taken up too much space in our home. It was something She had not moved on from because I had been subtly insisting full acceptance from Her. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this insistence came with terms and conditions which was the source of pressure and frustration She felt.

I apologized and acknowledged that the lack of sex had been disappointing, but I stressed that I missed our relationship—the flirting, and teasing, and inside jokes, and cuddling. I understood that we couldn’t do most of what we did before because of the baby—it’s not like I didn’t expect things would change. But I maintained that my kink is a part of who I am. It’s part of what makes me… me. And I felt like I wanted all of me to be loved, not just a few parts of me.

Her response to that was absolutely heart shattering… She told me that I didn’t need that part of me to be a good husband and father. And She explained that She wanted to be loved for who She was and that She felt like I didn’t love Her. That the thought of me touching Her had begun to make Her cringe. I was devastated. I had lied to myself, believing that I wasn’t pushing this on Her. There was never a single question from me asking how She felt about any of it. I selfishly believed that as long as She accepted it then everything was okay…

I asked if She wanted to leave me. To my surprise She said no.

A strand of hope lingered in the atmosphere but seemed so far from my grasp.

And I sulked for weeks on end. I looked around at the mess my life had become. I had everything I wanted and somehow managed to screw it all up. It all fell apart, revealing how flimsy it truly was. I had missed something foundational, ignored something critical. I just sat in the wreckage with no idea how to put it back together. Every day was a grey, dreary slog from beginning to end, a list of check boxes to be ticked. I felt desperate for emotional fulfillment but so very angry also. I pushed away any attempt at connection because I didn’t expect it to last. I felt my Wife no longer loved me. And I could feel the weight of my failures and regrets everywhere I went.

We started going to couples counseling. It helped a little. We could communicate again and navigate a few misunderstandings. My Wife expressed that She missed our ‘old’ relationship but didn’t believe it was possible anymore.

Over the months, I felt that our therapist began sympathizing with me too much. The bar is so low for men in relationships that simply coming home every day, helping with the baby and chores, and not acting out in anger or calling my Wife names left her puzzled as to why my Wife was so upset with me.

Let me stress that again—the fact that I did the bare minimum in our relationship left our therapist scratching her head as to why my Wife felt so resentful.

My Wife struggled to articulate Her feelings and frustrations. I resisted the temptation to take advantage of this. I wasn’t interested in trying to ‘win.’ I wanted to fix what I had broken. I didn’t want to hurt my Wife anymore. I love Her, but I still couldn’t understand what I had done.

I discovered Mistress Alisa’s podcast one day while searching for something to listen to. It was illuminating. The way She spoke about the ‘R’ part of FLRs was refreshing—like a breath of fresh air. Hearing about relationships from the female perspective, specifically within the FLR dynamic, was extremely enlightening. Listening to Her explain the inner workings of submissive men felt eerily relatable. Her stories, though different from my own, reflected my behavior—separated by degree but not in function. I resisted the urge to distance myself from the individuals She shared stories of and focused on the common thread. She spoke about helping men repair their relationships, and I wondered if it was possible for me as well. I listened to episode after episode, each one igniting a small flame, illuminating a different view on things. Her words gave me a glimpse into my Wife’s world—a world I had disrupted with my selfishness.

I remember a counseling session when the therapist asked my Wife what She still loved about me. Her answer was: he’s cute. he’s still in good shape. he helps out.

It was all surface-level. She didn’t say: he loves me more than anything. he knows how to comfort me. he’s always there for me. he makes me feel validated. he’s honest with me.

I realized then that I no longer touched her heart…

And i knew why:
Because I hide.
Because I withdraw.
Because I’m inconsistent.
Because I promised Her i would obey and did not.
Because I didn’t put Her first.
Because I damaged Her trust in me.

The situation wasn’t caused because my Wife didn’t love me anymore, it was because I broke the dynamic. I was making our relationship transactional at a time when She needed me more than ever. I was there physically, but not emotionally. She needed something different from me and I was so fixated on myself to notice. I finally understood the why of the hurt that She endured. And it felt suffocating.

It was in this moment that I decided to break the cycle and try putting into action all the things Mistress Alisa recommends. I began to do the non-kink things I knew my Wife liked (kisses before leaving, good morning texts, bringing Her snacks or flowers, etc., etc.) and did everything She asked, when She asked, with no questions asked. I adjusted my attitude and energy. I could tell She was guarded and cautious; She was even a bit cold at times, but I just sucked it up and kept going.

She had fewer and fewer complaints in our counseling sessions and eventually confronted me about the changes She had observed. This is when I told Her everything I had been feeling—the regret, the hurt…

Everything I had done—the manipulation, the selfishness, the lies…

I apologized to Her for all of it. The words I had been holding in for so long just spilled out, raw and messy. The tidal wave of emotions were overwhelming as I laid myself bare and completely exposed—accepting 110% responsibility.

She just hugged me.
…
Then thanked me.
…
And through the tears I saw a warmth in Her eyes that I hadn’t seen in what felt like an eternity. I felt a sense of relief, but with a mixture of fear and guilt.

I was quite aware that despite all the work I had been doing that this was only just beginning. My body felt lighter, as if the burden of all my mistakes had lessened by opening myself up.

Despite this, I haven’t stopped following Mistress Alisa’s advice. I’ve continued my work, and when catching myself slip up I apologize and keep things moving instead of dwelling on it.

I haven’t mentioned any kink or anything about an FLR; I just live it Her way.

We’ve become intimate again and I don’t push for anything or frame things in a certain way; I just simply enjoy what I get. My submission isn’t about a kink, it’s about partnership—about valuing my Wife in every way possible…

This is the conclusion of my journey from one of the darkest times of my life to the present. It has been difficult but well worth it. I’m thankful that I was able to hear Mistress Alisa’s words, for without Her I never could have found a path to redemption. And I’m grateful for my Wife’s patience and willingness to believe in me. It truly feels like I’ve been given a second chance to get it right.

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Article submission by: Kittyboy, goodboy-in-training

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Response from Mistress Alisa

kittyboy, this was an amazing post, sweetheart. I can only imagine how long it took you to process your thoughts and emotions in order to be able to capture them so well here.

I am honored to have played a role in your journey, but more than that, I am pleased for you and for your wife. You have worked diligently to come out of a really dark place and you have made some amazing progress. I spoke with you when you came into the group, but I had no idea that there was so much to your story.

Thank you for taking the time to share this with the group, sweetheart.