Check-in: It’s been a challenge for me recently so I guess I’m triggered at about a 5. I had been doing very well with my wife, but my addiction distractions must have caught up to me, because I became angry (briefly) with her, and she was of course shocked. Now I’m in repair mode and am angry with myself for this slip. She has been working hard to believe in me, but (even a brief anger situation) this has reopened the chasm between us. I have a lot of work to do.

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MY RESPONSE

This message makes sense, @Chuck. You had alluded to it during our last conversation. I see what you mean now. So, let me help you out with this…

The key is to learn how to acknowledge your own feelings (within yourself). Remember that blowup that you had with me? You really lashed out at me because of feelings that you were experiencing (hurt, rejection, feeling overwhelmed), and you lashed out at me. I didn’t take it personally. Instead, I helped you to realize where the outburst had come from.

You need to start practicing, throughout the day, checking in with yourself. Try to identify your feelings. Try to assign a word (an adjective) to them. Don’t just say, “I feel fine.” Start to notice when you feel sad, lonely, frustrated, relieved, hopeful, optimistic, happy, etc. “Good” is not an emotion. So, don’t settle for that.

Now, here is the thing – the more that you identify your feelings ON YOUR OWN, the easier that it will be for you to identify your feelings when you are with your wife. So, instead of having emotions creep up on you and you lashing out at her, the more aware you can be of how you are feeling and when you might be, perhaps, reaching the point of lashing out. You can communicate with your partner and let them know that you are feeling overwhelmed and that you need to step away for 15 minutes. You take that break and get your thoughts and feelings together, then you come back and work to resolve the issue.

Keep in mind that resolution is not about you being right. It is not about you getting the last word. True resolution is finding a way to help your partner feel loved, and heard, and validated so that she can start to do the same for you. Now, she likely will not start to immediately reciprocate (as in, in that very moment), but you have already seen signs that she likely will soften eventually and start to be more loving toward you when she, too feels loved.

~Mistress Alisa

CHUCK’S FOLLOW-UP RESPONSE

Yes @Mistress Alisa I can see that working to be aware of all my feelings, will aid in bringing more and more awareness to my feelings (other than just “good”). I’m optimistic that by practicing this kind of self-awareness will enable me to catch myself when I begin to feel attacked or overwhelmed.

Finally at least I’ve taught myself, pretty much, to know that I’m never “always right”. I learned quite a while ago, through my day job primarily, that it is not a bad thing to admit that I’m wrong.

I’ll be working on recognizing my true feelings, as I go through my day. Thank you for this reminder.