The Alpha Male and His Sex Addiction
Profile of an Alpha Male
A profile of an average alpha male who actively struggles with sex addiction might look something like this. He is likely to be:
- Powerful – able to alter the quality of life for other individuals
- Influential – able to convince people to do things that he wants them to do
- Entitled – has a sense of other people owing him something, usually with the mindset that he is more important than others
- Wealthy – has access to significant amounts of expendable income
- Selfish – thinks primarily about himself; usually thinks and acts in a way that benefits himself
- Secretive – keeps pertinent information from those close to him, preventing them from ever having the opportunity to see who he truly is
- Manipulative – uses words and actions in a deceptive manner to control others
- Stellar reputation – Respected and highly regarded by those family, friends, and colleagues
This type of individual is full of voids. Their emptiness runs as deep as an abyss. So much of their existence is committed to causing pain for themselves, and for others, that they are likely to become emotionally drained. The individual may understand what it means to be distracted long enough to not have to focus on life’s problems, but the concept of true fulfillment will be a completely foreign concept for this type of person.
On top of all of that, it takes a great deal of emotional energy to uphold a façade while living such a destructive life. The voids faced by this type of alpha male run deep, and they will have been deepening over quite a lengthy period of time. This individual becomes desensitized to average levels of emotional pain. He is also quite adept at hiding his dark side, so that there are rarely any repercussions for his dysfunctional behavior. This means that he can dig such a deep hole for himself that by the time he is forced to take inventory of all that he has become, he is absolutely shocked by the behavior that he has been engaging in.
Characteristics of Sex Addiction
Addiction, in any form, is a parasite. The thing to remember about a parasite is that it is never finished with its host. Ever. As long as that host is able to sustain life for itself, while also sustaining life for the parasite, the parasite will continue using the host. The parasite’s work is only done when the host is dead. It is only at that time that the parasite stops its destructive work.
Likewise, the same dynamic exists between an addict and his addiction. It is only when there is no life left to take from the addict, when the addict’s mind, soul, and body lie lifeless and without any movement – that is when addiction is finished. However, as long as the individual is alive, addiction is working, and it works with a single goal in mind: to extinguish the life of the addict.
Sex addiction has a couple of standard tools that it uses to control its addict: fear, self-hatred, hatred for others, unforgiveness, negative self-talk, and distractions. Sex addiction destroys a person from the inside out. It taints every aspect of the individual’s life.
The Alpha Male and His Sex Addiction
A powerful, alpha male is very likely to project his sexual desires onto his female partner. He is also more likely to use his partner than to treat her with love and respect, or to focus on interacting with her in any sort of meaningful or mutually beneficial fashion. Men have access to a large amount of, and a large variety of online sexual content; and in real life, they have access to women (and men) who will, quite literally, do anything to satisfy them.
We live in a day and age where virtually everything and everyone is for sale. More and more alpha men are slipping into a pattern of paying for alternative kinks. Until about a decade ago, the extreme kinks that these types of men would ask for were quite limited. Men’s experiences are leading to fantasies about scenarios that they have already experienced, that they want to experience for the first time, that they have read about, or that they have seen acted out with others.
With male sexuality becoming increasingly more about a temporary sexual high, as opposed to being about connecting in a sincere manner with a loving partner, more men are finding themselves ill-equipped to make healthy contributions to healthy relationships. Frustrations about this, coupled with emotional immaturity, leads to men chase the momentary high from their sexual escapades with greater consistency.
The breakthrough for men usually does not happen the first time, nor does it happen the second, third, forth, or fifth time. To put it bluntly, sex addiction is a fucking beast. As is the case with addictions related to substance abuse, the individual is fooled into thinking that overcoming addiction is as simple as making up his mind to no longer be addicted. And that simply is not how any sort of positive change occurs.
A real breakthrough takes place when an individual settles into the knowledge that he has to work twice as hard to be free as he did to become an addict. And, of course, people do not normally act with the intention of becoming addicts. Rather, they are more likely to take one step after another, with each new step leading them into the deep abyss. Sliding down a steep incline is pretty easy. However, picking oneself up, dusting oneself off, doing an about face, and making a conscious decision to walk UP that very same hill is where the hard work lies.
The breakthrough for my clients always happens when they are focused on being committed to their journey. It is in the journey that the healing takes place. It is in the journey that wholeness replaces brokenness, and the addict becomes victorious.