Ask Alisa

Finally admitting I have a problem

Dear Mistress Alisa, I’ve been in a relationship for almost 10 years with a beautiful girl. Everything in our lives is great, but we barely have sex anymore and I realize now that it’s because I am looking at girls online and have rewired my brained to feel like I’m not content with one girl. I have tried to give up watching porn before, I can usually go for a couple of weeks but the pull is too strong and I go back to it.


Dear John,

Congratulations on admitting that you have a problem. That is, indeed, the most important first step to addressing the actual problem. I offer the following and hope that it will help in some way.

One of the keys to working through sex/porn/masturbation addictions is to not “give up something” and to not “stop doing something.” Instead, you want to REPLACE the unhealthy actions with positive ones. When you go through those periods where you are abstaining from addictive behaviors, actively do something that strengthens your relationship with your partner.

(And the reason that I say “periods” is because that is usually what they are in the beginning. In order to make lasting changes where addictive patterns are concerned, one must build moment. There are phases to the journey.)

Spend more time with her. Actively listen to her. Anticipate her needs. Do something special for her – not because you are expecting sexual favors in return, but because you love her and you want to express your feelings through your actions.

When you engage with your partner in this manner, she will start responding to you differently. Make changes slowly and naturally. Otherwise, you will raise suspicion, and you likely will be so uncomfortable that you will be unlikely to sustain the changes that you are making. But it is imperative that you think of these changes as permanent. They are not something that you do intermittently, otherwise they come across as manipulative. And if you add manipulation into this mix…let’s just say that that would take things downhill very quickly.

Wishing you the best!

Submit your questions to Mistress Alisa using the form below.

You have questions and I have answers.

Submit your brief questions and I will choose one or two to answer each cycle. I look for questions that:

  1. Have not been asked previously,
  2. Ring as sincere,
  3. Present some reasonable expectation that they can be addressed in a brief written response, and
  4. Have to do with you and your behavior, as opposed to the behaviors of others.

The goal is not to solve your problems in a single written response, but rather to help you to understand your situation more clearly.  Once you have a better understanding of how choices that you make impact your life, you will be better equipped to make decisions that ring as true for you. And this will bring greater fulfillment.

Trust your process.  Enjoy your journey.  Ask Mistress Alisa a question today!