What Is D/s?

Dominance & submission represent two of the six terms from BDSM: Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & submission, Sadism & Masochism.

Why Do We Need To Talk About D/s?

There is a widespread misconception that BDSM is only about sexual play. Although sex is a primary factor in the lifestyle, to process every interaction through an erotic filter is a grave mistake. We need to talk about D/s because an overwhelming number of alpha men wish to be submissive to dominant partners.

Now, don’t misunderstand. We are not talking about bossy, greedy, manipulative, argumentative women. No. There is absolutely nothing appealing about those characteristic traits. Many alpha men find a strong, decisive, in-charge, dominant female compelling. She wraps him around her finger and she commands the situation – not by force – but rather with her natural dominant charm. You see, she owns her truth so absolutely that he simply cannot resist her.

But here is the key: the female in this situation is not blessed with dominant status so that she can destroy her man. Instead, she is given this power to uplift him; to encourage him; to fill him; to help him be the best that he can be.

Do all alpha men desire to submit to their partners? Absolutely not. However, for those who do, this is the place that they come to in order to understand how to create meaningful and fulfilling lives for themselves (and their partners). We need to talk about D/s because it is the missing link for so many alpha men; and until they (alpha men with submissive tendencies) understand the need in themselves to submit to their partners, they will continue to run to quick, kinky, and unfulfilling sex in order to fill their voids.

Myth #1
I only need to be submissive when it serves me sexually.

The drive in one who is truly submissive is centered around a desire to please his dominant. However, alpha men usually need help (in the form of training) to commit themselves to their Dommes in such a way. If you are a man who only wants to submit because he feels that he will be granted sexual pleasure in return, then he should understand that he is using the other person. If your submission has a price, and the payoff is sexual pleasure, then you really do not understand the D/s dynamic.

Your sex drive is a constant in a D/s relationship. Your Domme is either getting you worked up, making sure you stay worked up, or she is granting you release. However, the choice should be hers; and if you have chosen your Domme wisely, then you will know that you can melt in her arms and trust her completely.

Pretending to be submissive so that you can experience pleasure is not very different from a woman pretending to like (or even love you) so that you will buy her expensive things. Either way, the situation amounts to usery, and a relationship founded on usery is doomed from the very beginning.

Myth #2
D/s is inseparable from the other parts of BDSM.

BDSM stands for: Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & submission, and Sadism & Masochism.

Many of my clients are shocked to find that Dominance and submission (D/s) are practiced, separate from the other two BDSM pairings, quite well. In fact, the majority of my clients discover along their journey that it is the pure form of D/s that they have been seeking in their sexual escapades. However, they were never given the opportunity to explore being submissive outside of being tied up or flogged, or engaging in any number of highly sexually charged activities.

BDSM, in its totality, can be thrilling. However, BDSM, without bounds, and without proper education, plays a significant role in the downfall of many many. Men are exploring without bounds. They are opening themselves to any and everything, all for the sake of a sexual high. Since most of my clients already have submissive tendencies, it is not so much of a stretch to get them to start all over and to focus on pure submission.

Pure submission entails baring one’s heart and soul. It requires that you be open and vulnerable. It requires that you tell the truth; that you be a person of integrity. It requires you to be accountable. You learn the beautiful art of effective communication. There is no running or hiding; no manipulation; no deceit; no half truths. Pure submission is an art form, and it should be explored fully before introducing any of the other parts of BDSM.

Myth #3
D/s involves a power exchange.

The very notion of a deliberate power exchange in relationships is interesting. The implication is that the powerful one in the relationship (usually the male) relinquishes said power to the weaker party in the relationship (usually the female). This is a problem. If the two are operating under the auspices of being a vanilla couple, then they should be more like equal partners. However, in a D/s relationship, they should be more like opposite sides of the same coin – they coexist.

A power exchange implies a power struggle, and that never works out well. Let’s look a bit more closely at this issue, though.

In D/s relationships, a dominant female is not any more or any less powerful because of anything that anyone else does. In fact, a true dominant female does not even have to concern herself with power. She is dominant. Period. There will be those who like her, and those who do not like her. Those who respect her and those who do not respect her. None of that matters, though, when she knows who she is. She has nothing to prove to anyone.

Looking at the other side of the coin, a submissive male, likewise, does not have to struggle. His role is to give in and to trust his dominant. (Again, this is a lot easier to do if he has chosen his Domme wisely.) The alpha male who buys into the idea of “giving” away some of his power; the alpha male who believes that he can use the exchange of power like some sort of currency is playing a game. It is a game that virtually ensures that both parties will be used and will walk away feeling unfulfilled.

D/s is not about a power exchange. It is about both parties in the relationship embracing their truth.

Myth #4
I decide when my partner should be dominant.

This mindset is that of an entitled man who gets what he wants, whenever he wants it, however he wants it. He pretends to be submissive for the brief time that it takes him to get what he wants (usually an orgasm), then he reverts back to taking charge.

Let’s be clear, showing up with a checklist of things that you expect (require) your Domme to do is not submission.

A man who submits because the promise of an orgasm is before him…is not submissive. He is just pretending. He is playing a role in order to get what he wants. Likewise, tell a Domme what to do, when to do it, and how to do it, is not submitting. For an alpha man who is used to being in charge, this type of behavior amounts to nothing more than manipulation. He wants what he wants and he is going to get it. He feels entitled to it.

And so, the “submissive” is missing out on the beauty of the D/s dynamic, as is the “dominant” female who allows herself to be manipulated in such a fashion.

Myth #5
As a submissive, I need to be in control in order to be fulfilled.

Just a reminder that the context here is that we are discussing alpha males who feel the need to submit to their partners. In other words, when interacting with individuals outside of the home, he is alpha and in charge. However, the private relationship that he has with his partner is based on the dynamic of Dominance and submission (D/s).

So, here is where the myth needs to be dispelled.

Although being a successful, powerful, alpha male comes with exciting perks, it also comes with some hidden burdens. There is a lot of responsibility that goes with the alpha male territory. You are responsible for making sure that things get done at work, and for making sure that everyone in your family is okay. Everyone demands something from you. You’re being tugged at every turn.

The very last thing that you would need as an alpha male with an abundance of life stressors is to have to dictate to your partner in order for your needs to be met. True fulfillment comes from knowing that you are loved and supported, that you are encouraged, respected, that the person that you have chosen to share your life with is with you because she absolutely adores you. She knows what makes you tick and she knows how to get the best out of you in every situation. She also knows how to take care of you.

A TRUE dominant female enjoys helping her submissive good boy to live his best life possible.

If this concept is a new concept for you, I would encourage you to learn more about the truth of the Dominant-submissive (D/s) dynamic. For, when you get this right, everything else in life starts to fall into place.

Myth #6
The Dominant is supposed to abuse the submissive.

This is just plain wrong. It is such an erroneous way of thinking that it actually pains me to express it. Now, let’s be clear – playing rough is one thing, but mentally, emotionally, or physically damaging another living being is just plain wrong.

I have a saying: Broken toys are no fun to play with.

Dominance and submission (D/s) are not about destroying another person or about being destroyed. That goes for both Dommes and submissives. If you are into destruction, then you are likely thinking more about the Sadism & Masochism aspects of BDSM, or maybe even Bondage & Discipline. However, in its purest form Dominance & submission have to do with one person dominating and one person submitting. Add-on “benefits” like being destructive are not inherent to the D/s part of the BDSM lifestyle.

It is quite common to find men pretending to submit to a dominant female, without ever actually committing to that submission. The main reason that a submissive male will be hesitant to fully submit in a D/s relationship is because he does not trust his Dominant. There is so much at stake; so much that he is putting on the line, and so much responsibility that is weighing on him. He wants the excitement, but without the commitment – because commitment means more work. To address these issues, the alpha male has to discontinue any and all unhealthy practices, such as: running and hiding from his issues, using woman (in general, but mainly for sexual pleasure), using manipulation to cause distractions, and creating confusion and chaos.

In a beautiful, healthy D/s relationship there is trust, and the alpha male (who has a desire to submit to his partner) will be able to just let go. He puts himself in her hands and she shapes and molds him. She brings out the best in him. She helps him to maximize his potential in life.

As you can see, the D/s relationship is quite unique. That is why it is such a disservice to all those involved when individuals try to treat D/s like it is nothing more than an opportunity to score an orgasm, or to score another sugar daddy. The Dominant/submissive dynamic is lifestyle that, if approached with integrity, can lead to a lifetime of exploration, excitement, fulfillment, and fun!

Not everyone was created to embrace the D/s lifestyle in its truth, and without gimmicks. However, for those who are, these words will ring true for you, and you will likely start to feel like you are finding your place called home. And to you, I issue a hearty “Welcome!”

Myth #7
The dominant woman should force submissive male into submission.

If I had a penny for every time that a submissive male approached me and demanded that I make him submit…

So, let’s just go ahead and state that if a man refuses to submit unless a woman attempts to force him to do so, there is a problem with their dynamic. Anytime a person is forced into doing something, there is an inherent power struggle. Both parties are using their energy against one another; one person is trying to force another to do something, while the second person uses his energy to resist. It’s a perfect storm for a mess.

Submission is a gift. Submission is also beautiful. This is only true when submission is embraced by a truly submissive male. If there is any resistance, at all, he is not contributing to a D/s dynamic. A dominant woman’s role is not to force a male to do anything. Rather, she compels; she pulls out of him that which is already there; she leads him to greatness, both in the home and outside of the home.

There is absolutely no room for power struggles in the Dominant-submissive dynamic. If the man is not of the mindset to submit, then let him call himself a vanilla male and let him be paired with someone more suitable. The D/s lifestyle is not a game. If you do not embrace your role with sincerity and integrity, then perhaps you should be exploring other options.